Signals

Sensitivity to the heart can sometimes be a double edged sword.

To be guided so clearly by visceral internal signals; a physical bodily pulsation, a temperature rise or drop, the gravitational pull towards or push away, a gentle whisper or an internal screaming siren; when one is attuned to the language of the heart decision making takes on a different form. It is not about the pros and cons of a situation one may write on a piece of paper, sometimes even when a choice seems logical, a ‘good’ idea, the heart may know otherwise. It has foresight into the future we believe exists only in mythical tales of witches and wizards.

Through the practice of yoga and meditation one becomes more sensitive to the signals of the heart. Asana practice not only strengthens the physical body but finely tunes our ability to listen and notice objectively without the secondary response of internal dialogue; judging, questioning or criticising. We can exist in the present moment as it unfolds. A neutral witness to the arising and dissolving of experience. Our awareness expanding outwardly and inwardly mirroring the movement of the breath; inhale, exhale.

Yet signals from the heart are not always a smooth and peaceful path to follow. Sometimes pursuing the heart’s desires can feel in conjunction to the path society dictates we should strive towards. It can feel like we a going backwards in life, born only from a questionable belief that life is only ‘successful’ if we are ‘moving forwards’. What do these phrases or concepts actually point to though? What does it truly mean to be ‘successful at life’? These are questions I certainly don’t have the answer to!

A couple of months ago my own heart gave me clear signals that it needed a moment to pause. The signs? Exhaustion. Injury. Overwhelm. Tearfulness. Self-doubt. The withdrawal to unhelpful coping mechanisms of restriction which was my personal final straw in teetering between remaining in ignorance or choosing acceptance of the hearts wishes.

The signals made it clear my cup had run empty. Things that normally light me up and fill me with joy were instead seeping me of the minimal energy I did have. The heart was telling me to take rest, to take a step back from teaching yoga and much of the asana practice I was used to doing each day. I had to develop the capacity to hold multiple truths at one time. To relinquish black and white thinking. To know that taking rest or diverting from routine is not failure. To know my love and devotion to yoga isn’t diminished by taking a step back from physical practice or teaching. I have learnt it is quite the opposite. In doing so I believe when I return to practice and teaching I will have a deeper understanding and empathy towards others knowing the weight of invisible injuries we carry onto the mat and carry the weight of through life.

My hearts signals also meant going against the current status quo that favours speed and status; the act of being seen doing and succeeding. To choose rest within a culture that applauds productivity. To choose to slow down when the pace of the world seems to be speeding up (if you listen to WhatsApp voice notes on x1.5 or x2 I am speaking to you). To choose doing less when it feels we are constantly being asked to be more is HARD.

Eventually for me it reached a point where the scales tipped. It finally became HARDER to continue choosing to live inauthentically to my values as a human being rather than answering to an order barked by a faceless soldier. Living inauthentically to me looked like sharing yoga from an empty tank where I wasn’t applying the wisdom I so deeply believe in within my own life. To pour from an empty cup is an attribute I would never encourage a friend to do yet was how I was acting each day. This is not the type of teacher or human being I am or want to be. To remain truthful I am learning I must always acknowledge the heart and live accordingly.

Eventually my sensitivity to the signals were too strong to ignore. I had to fully acknowledge the truth that I was not feeling well physically or mentally and that no one else was coming to magically fix this for me. That is not to say I had to face any challenges alone. I am grateful to have beautiful souls, friends and family, who support me. Asking for help is perhaps one of the bravest and most courageous things we can do. The heart is healed with love. The heart is also healed when listened to.

The act of listening requires attentiveness and raw honesty, a capacity to be with questions that have no answers and to accept answers that don’t ‘make sense’. An unconditional love we so easily provide for close friends yet is a foreign feeling when reflected on the Self. This story does not have an ending of enlightenment or a dramatic plot twist. It has the gentle reminder that we are all human beings navigating the experience of life that at times can feel confusing. This message has the humble vulnerability of saying, “I DON”T HAVE THIS SHIT FIGURED OUT!” Knowing that it may give you relief or permission to feel this way too. Most importantly, it has the invitation to begin listening to your own heart; sensing, hearing or feeling what it has to communicate to you.

I invite you to begin listening, I am here listening too.